19/11/24

Good afternoon, I know you are excited about the game tomorrow, but while you are packing the things you need, make sure you read this letter, so that you may heed my warning and survive. The first thing you are going to need is a hat, but not the one you bought. That comically sized sombrero will get a good laugh out of your friends, and it will even get a mention from the commentators and shown on the live broadcast, however, considering what will happen next, you will not want that, so go for the reasonably sized one that you already own. The second thing you need to bring is water, plenty of it. You see, you think you will be fine but tomorrow is going to be warm and in all your excitement for going, you will forget to bring it which will leave you dehydrated at the game. Now, obviously you can buy water there, but it is almost cheaper to buy beer and when your friends keep shouting you rounds, you find it hard to resist. In addition to the lack of water, you should also bring food as there will be a malfunction with the kitchens at the stadium and they will very quickly run out, much before you get hungry and go searching for something to eat. I know you could also leave the stadium, but you will choose not to, as you have great seats and paid a good amount of money to watch the game, not leave part way through. The combination of lack of water, lack of food and much alcohol will harm you dearly. Also, I assume you have already packed the flag. Don’t. Listen, you love your country and that is great, but for tomorrow, just leave it at home, it is for the best. The last item you need to pack is your sunglasses, again, this will be a benefit. Have you got all of those things? Good, now let me explain why you need all of these items. Tomorrow at the game you will quickly become thirsty and decide to drink lots of cold alcohol to rectify this. You will quickly become drunk, as the lack of food will speed up the process. In addition, as the game continues you will become light-headed and spend most of the game squinting because you have no sunglasses and only when the crowd cheers do you know to celebrate, waving your flag about. Take note that at the fortieth over there will be a loud cheer, you will be excited and drunk, and will stand to your feet and wave your flag, not sure of what you are cheering. The issue is you were cheering a strong bat that was travelling for a six, going over the boundary of play, straight towards you. With no sunglasses you could not see it and with the flag waving in your face, your view was completely blocked. So, the ball strikes you in the head and you drop to the ground, smashing your head a second time on the concrete floor. This will be captured on the live broadcast as the commentators remark about your blind enjoyment of the event and your wife will watch your death over and over again as the clip of you dying recirculates. To avoid this, be prepared and when it comes to the fortieth over, get prepared to either make the catch of your life or walk away. Also, avoid the Western carpark, I will be making a visit to someone and it will be best if you avoid the area. Enjoy the game and Love says to make sure you bring your wife some flowers because it would be a nice gesture.

From Death.