20/05/2026

Hello, excited for your day out? You certainly seem to be, I know you have fond memories as a child of going to the Royal Show and so to go to your own as an adult, you are feeling nostalgic, but you also need to be aware, because you could die.

First, I know you know this, but it is worth being said, the country version of the Royal Show is not the same as the city version. Much smaller, but still just as expensive. Your wife has never been, and you need to remember why you went, to spend time together.

At first, you will both want to ride the rides, but you need to listen, your bodies cannot handle it. I know you’re not that old, but old enough that one of these rides is enough to take all the energy from you. Without your energy, neither of you will enjoy the show, especially you, when, in your sapped state, stumble into an excluded zone behind a ride and get smacked surprisingly far by the mechanical arm. So, avoid the rides.

I would recommend you take your wife to the petting zoo, the one filled with children yes, but what matters is her enjoyment, not yours. That said, try not to antagonise the goose, hopefully you have learnt since the last time, but while it does make your wife laugh, the goose will take you down if you prod it too long, as will the rooster, just avoid the birds, really.

Next you will go to the axe chopping competition, which, you need to brace yourself for because it is utterly, totally, disappointing. You were expecting men to slice through trunks like they were powered by nuclear energy, instead there will be one man, one trunk and he will very slowly cut through, explaining to the small crowd how to cut through it quickly. You will feel angry, but it is best not to give in to the temptation to yell out at the man because it will not end well. You will say, “can you chop it faster?” He will return, “I am showing you how to do it.” “I don’t want you to show me how to do it,” you will say, ignoring the be quiet tug on your arm from your wife, “I want you to do it, quickly.” “I am not some monkey that performs when you want!” “Then what are you doing here?” This discussion will last a few minutes, slowly intensifying until the man with the axe cuts through you faster than he could any trunk.

After enjoying a meal the last stop, as always, is the show bags. You will see the ninja bag, do not get the ninja bag, it will save me writing you another letter in a weeks’ time. Just do what everyone else does and buy the food ones.

Listen, I know it will be an expensive day and one that you will not repeat, but it means a lot to your wife, so do remember that. (Love made me write that… she wants me to write more but it is so mushy that I might feel sick… she is staring at me, now glaring… those stupidly beautiful eyes). Memories are priceless.

From Your Guardian Angel