Camp Day 1

Hello there, I can see that you are in the middle of your late-night packing. When you agreed to volunteer four days to take a group of young people on a camp to the city, you acted out of kindness, but you also opened several possibilities for not just your own death, but the death of some of those young people. It is now your turn to act as their guardian angel.

Tomorrow, when you drive the minivan, I want you to stay focussed on the road. You have never driven with hyper teenagers in the back before, so let me tell you that they can be quite distracting. There’s the throwing of food, the kicking, the screaming, the song singing and the window licking, plenty of reasons to turn your head and swerve into an oncoming truck. Instead, ignore them, you have a partner in the passenger seat who will shout at them when needed.

After arriving at the accommodation and assigning rooms (and dealing with the groans and complaining), you will have some time to relax before you travel to the movies. You will have to walk, as there is no parking and while most walks are safe, it is different when leading a group of nonsensical cats. Keep them on the path, make sure they follow traffic light rules and keep them from heckling strangers. One young person in particular, who you will have worked out by now has quite the mouth on him, will think it is funny to make some meaningless remarks to one couple. He will think it is funny; they will not. Once that happens you are either faced with putting yourself between a steroid using hothead and the big mouth brat, in which you will die, or you stand back and watch a murder. To avoid this, be very quick to stop him calling out to strangers and talk to him about footy, he is a big fan.

Once you arrive at the movies, you might think it is time to relax, but it’s not. You see, you will be quite tired from your walk and have drunk your last sip from your water bottle, so naturally you line up to buy more. The issue, however, is the moment you see the exuberant price for what is a required to live as a human being, you decide not to buy a bottle of water. This is a mistake, because once you are in the movies, one of the young people will offer you a piece of popcorn from their oversized bucket. You will take one and swallow it and due to the dryness of your mouth, it will become stuck and you will choke. It will be bad, loud and deadly. Buy the water, avoid the choking.

From Your Guardian Angel