02/10/2025

Good morning, I heard that you have been sleeping well, especially since implementing your new training routine. In fact, you seem to believe that it is going so well that you have bought a new exercise game that makes use of motion controls and a fancy plastic wheel. While it is good to exercise, this morning, you need to be careful because if you are not, you will never exercise again.

Your first mistake is keeping your socks on. I know it will be cold, but socks slip on tiles and part of the game does require you to run on the spot. In addition to the slipping hazard, there is the light directly above you, which as you move the wheel about, will be in smacking distance. The last issue is within you, which is your inability to restrain yourself and always try your hardest. The combination of all three will lead to your demise and let me explain how.

First, you are going to train too hard for too long, wanting to get to the next level. Your wife will warn you, but you are determined and continue to play the game. Your legs will become shaky and your grip sweaty. As you run the game will require you to squat and then stand in a pose of victory, but as you do, you will raise your arms up and the wheel will slip from your grip, flying up and smashing the glass light covering above you. As the glass falls, you instinctively flinch, but as your legs are tired and your socks slippery, you fall forward, landing on your stomach and gasping as a shard of glass penetrates the back of your neck and protrudes out the front. Will it be horrifying? Yes. Will the sales of the game plummet? Yes. Will you become a funny anecdote about playing exercise games? Yes, very much so. Here is what you need to do, first, take your socks off, second take a big step forward and lastly, when your wife speaks to you, stop. Remember that it is better to train at seventy percent than the full one hundred, that way you will not be as tired and have the rest of the day to spend with your wife.

From Death.