14/1/2025

Hello there, I heard of your plans for today to visit the zoo and it sounds like it is going to be a lovely time with your wife… there is also the strong chance you get eaten so make sure you do as I say. There are three realms that animals live in, the sky, the land and the water and amazingly, you will be at risk of being served as lunch in all three. When you first arrive at the zoo, your will follow a certain path and I do not want you to deviate from it, but I would like you to change some behaviours. The first issue is that you manage to make your wife laugh by pretending to intimidate the animals with your shoulders wide and the funny face that you pull. There is no issue with that by itself, but in an attempt to keep her laughing you will decide to increase the ridiculousness by entering into the bird exhibit and verbally insult one of the birds. While witty, mostly, it is not until you pretend to punch the bird and the bird, not realising you were pretending, tries to fly out of the path of your fist. Instead of avoiding it, however, the bird crashes straight into it and flops to the floor. While the onlookers scoff at the man who just punched a baby bird, the bird’s family look on in rage and swoop in and do what could only be described as an act of God, because it is, and eat you alive. Quite painful for you and traumatising for your wife. So, avoid punching the birds. The issue is, once you have done this, there comes another opportunity for you to be lunch. Tigers are fierce beings, proud, fast and deadly. For this one, I am not going to blame you, because it is honestly not your fault, but the fault of the zoo keeper who is still hungover and the brat who decided to throw rocks at the tiger because they thought it was funny. The tiger did not find it funny, but when it found that the zoo keeper had forgotten to lock the cage door properly, it escaped, finding the brat and enjoying a meal. You and your wife watch it happen and then the tiger turns to your wife. It lunges, you block, dying to save your wife. While heroic, your wife will be in so much shock that she will not run and beat eaten as well, so a sacrifice for nothing. In this case, I want you to just lock the door to the tiger cage and then find the woman with the green hat and big card around her neck and tell her that you think the zoo keeper by the cage is drunk. That is his manager and she will send him home. Finally, you will both reach the crocodile exhibit, where you paid to feed them. You will stand on this small bridge over the water and hold chickens out so that the crocodiles jump up and consumes the bird. My advice is simple, the chicken is worthless and just because you drop it, does not mean you reach for it. You see, when it slips from your hand and falls, and you instinctively reach for it, the crocodile will jump and latch on to your arm. You will be pulled down into the water, put into a death roll and eaten before the workers can save you. Just let the chicken fall, then you will be fine. That is all, the rest of your day should be relatively safe, the brat that I mentioned earlier is going to get his face scratched by some birds when he throws rocks at them, but he won’t die. Anyway, Love says to make sure you take some photos with your wife and to avoid the firework show, it is going to rain and not be worth your time.

From Death.