15/10/24

Hello again, it seems that you are about to make more poor decisions and so I have sent another letter. You are a successful man, and you have bought a driverless car, much to the initial enjoyment of your wife. The problem is, of course, that you are a man who likes to fix his problems himself, even when he has no expertise. You have many skills, but I will warn you, auto electrical work is not one of them. Let me be clear, so that I am not misunderstood, DO NOT SERVICE YOUR DRIVERLESS CAR! Yes, it is more expensive and yes, it will mean that you lost the previous argument with your wife, who argued that you would not be able to when you defensively claimed you could, however, it will mean that you will not die. Let me identify, clearly, the problems you will encounter if you tried to service your driverless car. The first problem is that you do not have the tools. Your car is mostly a computer and you do not fix a computer with a hammer and wrench. It needs a laptop that is more powerful than the one you own and a cable that you do not know even exists. The second problem is that the design is complicated, as you can imagine a driverless car would be, which means that even though it should make sense that the “on” switch next to the batteries should be switched on, but when the actual requirement is for it to be switched off so that the batteries can be safely engaged, you make a mistake that will end in a medium sized flame a few hours after you switched it. We can also acknowledge that just because the sensor is flashing green, it would make sense that it is functioning, when in fact is should be a solid green light. Then, of course, you decided to rotate your tires, but you did not realise that each tire has an individual sensor within and they are not designed to be moved, for example, from front left to back right. The collection of these actions begins with your smug clapping to yourself and ends with a fiery explosion in a petrol station. I mean, you kill many people, not your wife, though, who wisely refuses to go with you. Listen, I know it felt like she was attacking you, and that is probably how it sounded, but perhaps next time, tell her how you feel rather than committing to doing something that you do not understand to make a point. Your wife will be upset and you will forever be known as the reason why the sticker on the inside of the bonnet that reads, “do not service, send to dealership” has to be tripled in size. Also, after reading this, you may decide to not service your driverless car, you still need to do that, in fact, sell it, or burn it perhaps. Your life is dramatically shorter with you owning it. If you want a driverless car, buy a chauffeur.

From Death.