18/03/2026

Hello again, I can see you are on your way to the annual staff volleyball game and while you may think that it is a waste of time, let me be clear, if you do not pay attention, you will not survive. To begin, you decide to play, after much pressure from the admin ladies. You might think that you won’t get into it, but the moment you spike that first ball down past the man who chews too loud at the lunch table, you will be hooked. This is key, at this very moment, you need to pace yourself. I know you will want to play as hard as you can, but you have not played sports in some years and, when diving for the ball, you will pull what will feel like every muscle in your legs. This won’t kill you, physically I mean, socially it is devastating, they will never let you hear the end of it.

Once injured you will hobble to the side lines and take a seat next to those either too old or too unfit to play, who are enjoying a cheeseboard. You will feel annoyed and embarrassed, the jeers will have already begun, especially from Greg and Jenny from HR. When you sit on the side lines, your mind will race, you will be fixated on silencing them. You will fantasize

of leaping in the air and spiking the ball down between them. Then it will happen, a stray hit will send the ball your way, you will see it and will think this is your moment. You clench your fist to punch it back; you think an impressive punch will shut them up. The punch will be impressive; it will rocket up into the ceiling and right into a loose speaker. All the eyes will watch as it wobbles, tumbles and then squashes your head. This will kill you. This is why we forgive, for our sakes not theirs.

I would strongly recommend stretching before you play and not diving for any ball. If you decide it might be safer to not play at all, then I would advise against sitting on the bench and trying to do work. At the precise moment you begin to fantasize about picking up the volleyball and punting it out of the gym, across the road and through the Whole Lotta Chicken drive thru, not only will you cop a stray ball to the head but subsequently headbutt the cheeseboard knife, which is surprisingly sharp. To avoid death by cheeseboard knife, keep your head up and eyes open.

From Your Guardian Angel