21/08/2025

Hello again, I know I am interrupting you, but it is, as always, of vital importance that you stop what you are doing and listen to me. You are about to purchase your wife’s birthday present, and you are considering three options; all three will kill you. Let me explain, the first present that you are considering are the two small hand weights. Your motivations were that your wife has often said that she likes to exercise, and you thought she could use them while she does so. The problem is that she wants to exercise with you and while she will not admit this at first, she will grow frustrated that you find excuses to avoid walking with her. After one such walk she will come home in a huff and just drop the weights on the floor. You will come out of the bedroom, slip on them and in dramatic fashion, break your neck when you land.

The second gift that you are considering buying for your wife is a cookbook and an apron. Now, this makes sense because your wife loves cooking and a cookbook, and an apron are fantastic choices for those who enjoy being the kitchen. The issue is that your wife will interpret these gifts as an encouragement to do basic household chores. She will not be happy; you will get into a fight and during that fight your wife will go to the tree in the front yard and toss the apron up it. You will then climb the tree to retrieve it, but slip, falling and being caught by your neck by the apron. Your hanging corpse will make the front-page news.

The last gift that you are considering getting is jewellery. You know that many women like jewellery and since your wife is a woman, you assume that she will like a necklace made of gold, but you are wrong. I am not going to bore you with the complexities that your wife has regarding jewellery, simultaneously being someone who doesn’t wear jewellery, but would also want silver not gold and thinks the pendant is too small. She will fake a smile when you give it to her, but she will quickly lose it and one day, after she has made you some beautiful pasta, you will find it as you choke to death on it, it being hidden within the yellow goodness.

So what do you get your wife then? Well, this is where Love can be of some use. She told me to tell you that you should get the following three gifts. The first is to get matching fitness trackers, so that you can both exercise together and she wanted me to emphasise that you BOTH exercise and that you do it TOGETHER. The second gift is to get a cookbook that is for couples, so that you can cook meals together. The third gift is something that your wife can cherish, a Polaroid camera and a scrapbook, so that you can take photos together and have your own book of loving memories (Love made me write that). Anyway, enjoy the celebrations and hopefully I won’t be seeing you anytime soon.

From Death.