25/03/26

Good evening, I can see you are preparing for an evening walk with your wife. The air is cool and the stars are bright, and if you do not pay attention, it will be the end your life. The path you have chosen has four potential fatalities and you need to be careful at each one. The first obstacle is the intersection and is rather obvious; avoid being run over. Obviously, wait for the light to turn green, which you might think is obvious, obviously. However, as you walk you will see something quite distracting, a large inflatable elephant. One of the petrol stations decided to use it as a promotional piece, but do not look at it until you stop, or you will keep walking and be run over. Also, once the light turns green, wait several seconds before walking, you will see a blue Ford Falcon driving towards the intersection. You will believe that it will stop, because the light red for them; you are mistaken. They will speed through and run you down in the process. Let them race by, they will be dealt with at a later point.

The next obstacle is the dog in the front yard that you pass. It is untethered and its owner is not paying attention, but you should be, because when that dog spots you it will charge and you will gallantly defend your wife, and die in the process. To avoid this, pick up the stick that is under the pine tree, it is the one about the length of your leg. When the dog begins to charge, throw the stick back into the yard. The dog will promptly turn and catch the stick and then crash into the front window. You just need to walk away before the owner stops blaming the dog and turns his attention to you.

The third obstacle is small, but deadly. As you reach the top of the hill you will see a surprisingly tall stop sign and you will have the urge to run leap and smack it; don’t. If you do, you will run and leap and smack, yes, but when you land, your foot will land in a hole in the path, and you will roll. You will tumble head over heel all the way down the hill; it will be quite the mess. Just don’t do it but if you must, perhaps don’t have a run up.

The final obstacle is the house on your street with the drunk people watching you. Smile and wave and keep walking as they sing and shout about. Your wife will feel nervous and worried, she will suggest that you do not go straight home but walk past it, but whatever you do, do not deviate. If you do and walk into the alleyway by your house and watch as your wife peaks behind the fence like the drunken singers are an actual threat, that blue Ford Falcon that almost ran you down, will suddenly swerve around the corner. It will miss your wife, but you will not be so fortunate. They will crash through you and your neighbours’ fence. To avoid this, go straight home, so that when the Blue Falcon swerves and crashes, the only ones hurt will be themselves.

From Your Guardian Angel

P.S. Love has informed me that you should hold your wife’s hand and use your words to calm her rather than simply telling her what you should do.