29/04/26

Hello there, I know you are excited about today, the annual backyard cricket game you play with your relatives, but be warned, if you do not listen to my advice, it will be the last game that you ever play.

Throughout the game you will bowl, bat, field and be the wicketkeeper and in each circumstance, there will be a moment where if you do not pay attention, you will meet me face to face. It seems to be a recurring theme, but stay focussed, even when you are on holidays. You are going to start the innings as the wicketkeeper, because you know there is always infighting about who plays the role and if you do not self-nominate then the game would be delayed by thirty minutes.

You need to pay attention when Cousin Dave begins to bowl. His method of bowling is all about speed, not accuracy. Particularly, I want you to pay attention to his fifth bowl, which will stray left. To catch it, you will need to dive, which you might think is pointless, but if you don’t, that ball will bounce under the patio, hit Aunty Bec’s ridiculously large bug zapper that she imported (illegally, but never mind that), knock one side free and swing it down into your back. When she bought it, she boasted that it could kill a horse… you are smaller than a horse. The only positive will be that your grieving family will not need to pay for you to be cremated, so make sure you dive and catch that ball.

After a few overs you will make a great one-handed catch that gets a good cheer from the spectators, and it will be your turn to bat. There will be three bowlers that you face. The first will be Cousin Dave, which will come nowhere near you and nearly break a window. The next is your Cousin Penelope’s genetic freak of a son who you have to remind yourself is only fourteen despite the giant size and full beard. You will score a few runs on him, but as you go for your fourth run, you need to be careful. You will want to push for a second run, but if you do, you will have to dive and when you dive, the genetic freak will throw the ball at the stumps. You already know that he throws the ball hard and fast and while it misses the stumps, it strikes you on the side of the head. There will be an unpleasant sound followed by great wailing. So don’t go for the second, just keep the single run. The last bowler won’t kill you, but this is more of an encouragement. It will be your niece, the petite princess Penny. Her bowling is slow and predictable, and you could easily smash her for six, instead, to avoid the heavy judgement from the rest of your family after making her cry, lob the ball up in the air to be caught. It will make her smile, and that will be worth it.

Next you will have a go at bowling and this rather straight forward, avoid pace and try to spin. If you go for speed, on the second ball, which the genetic freak will be waiting for, will smash it straight back into your face and take you out, permanently. Rather gruesome, but if you spin, it will go off to the side, and you will be spared.

Last, fielding. There will be no ball that hits, but instead it will be when you go to retrieve a ball hit for six. When you climb the fence and see it sitting in the branch just out of reach, remember that it is out of reach. When you try to grab it, the fence will give way, it was not built to hold up full sized humans, and you will fall right into Mrs Dumphrey’s rose garden. Now normally this would just hurt, but unfortunately her roses had died and so she had filled the garden bed with wooden stakes with the intention of planting vines. She will find it very difficult to do so with your impaled corpse in the middle of them. Simply walk around and ask to retrieve the ball.

That will be the game, so follow my advice and survive to bat another day and remember, it is just a game.

From Your Guardian Angel